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Stella Damasus. |
I
remember one day in 2009, I had just signed a contract with a new management
company and they sent their marketing manager to take pictures of me so that
they could build a press kit and other materials for work.
The
man I was dating at the time was in my house for a visit, and we were both in
the living room when the marketing manager came in.
As
he entered we exchanged pleasantries and I introduced him to my boyfriend who
gave him the most arrogant and disgusting look ever.
The
marketing manager brought out his hand to shake him but my boyfriend walked
away and didn't even acknowledge his presence.
I
apologized to the guy who was really shocked as he was sure they had never met.
He was so confused and had to ask me if he did something wrong. I was
highly embarrassed but had to quickly change the subject as usual.
I
say as usual because it was becoming a trend with my boyfriend.
I
knew how arrogant my boyfriend could be but I didn't think it would be that
bad.
Anyway,
I went upstairs to meet the glam squad in my dressing room so they could do
their magic. When I was done, I got dressed and foolishly went to my boyfriend
in the other room so he could see how beautiful I looked and maybe get a
compliment. Instead, he looked at me and started calling me all sorts of names.
I cannot even begin to mention the names I was called.
Now,
you may read this and wonder why he would call me names without provocation.
That is how the mind of an abuser works. They don’t need provocation to abuse
you. They just want to show and boost their power over you.
To
those who have never experienced emotional and mental abuse, this is absurd.
At
this point, I was used to hearing those names but for some reason, I still
could not end the relationship. On different occasions, I had tried to end it
but I was not psychologically strong enough.
This
sounds strange coming from someone like me who is bold and fearless right? It
may shock you to know that when men like that come into your life, they study
your strengths and weaknesses. Then they begin to attack your weaknesses and
make you even more vulnerable. The next thing they do is to systematically
isolate you from those who are supposed to be your support system. At that time
you will not even notice what he is doing because you will begin to think he
cares for you more than anyone else.
He
had already messed with my mind. I felt helpless and small.
I
had the courage to ask him what I had done wrong and you would not believe the
answer I got.
He
said "you guys think I am stupid, why would you ask them to send a guy who
looks like that to you. Don't they have women who work for them?"
I
told him I had no control over who they send or who they employ.
He
responded by saying, "it's your house so if you have any respect for me
you would have made sure it was not a guy who speaks with a nice accent,
dresses well and is cute; coming to your house. What if I was not here? You
were already smiling like a fool even though I was right there. What would have
happened if I was not here?”
At
that point, I knew that there was nothing more to say.
As
I made to leave he grabbed my arm and forced me to sit down. The insults came
rushing through my ears as I sat and cried.
I
messed up everything the glam squad had done.
To
avoid embarrassment and gossip I went to the guest room and asked the
children's nanny to let the glam squad go. They were paid and they left.
I
went back and tried to fix what was left of my make up, went downstairs to do
the photoshoot and as soon as I was done, I made the marketing manager and his
team leave.
When
I went back upstairs, my boyfriend was waiting to continue the insults. At this
point, I knew I had to be strong. So, I told him that if he felt he was too
good for me, he should get the HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!
He
didn’t believe how serious I was until I started yelling.
He
threatened to hit me and I told him he would spend the rest of his life in Jail
and I would spend all my money making sure he was tortured every day.
He
looked me in the eye and saw how serious I was. That was when he knelt down and
started begging.
He
apologized and said he didn’t know what came over him and that he needed help.
I looked away but he continued and told me how everyone else had given up on
trying to help him.
Blah
blah blah blah he continued.
You
would think that after all this I would end it once and for all but
unfortunately, I took him back.
Before
you start passing judgment, remember that when your weakness is attacked and
your support system is not there anymore, you feel alone and helpless. It’s not
a choice you willingly make, it is as a result of the psychological abuse.
There are very very few women who go through this and come out sane.
Imagine
being with someone who constantly makes you feel less than you are. Who puts
all the negative stuff in your face and starts to make you look at yourself
differently. After a while, you begin to believe his lies and doubt your truth.
That
was when I realized that domestic abuse is not just physical. It is also mental
and psychological which are worse sometimes.
With
the physical you know where the bruises are and can treat them. Unfortunately,
with the mental, you become a slave to your own mind which is controlled by the
abuser. He makes it seem like it's your fault and at the same time makes you
feel he needs you.
No
one knows what you are going through because they don't see the scars. Even
when you tell them, they trivialize it because you can't show proof. So you
suffer in silence and pain. When you discuss it with people who you believe can
help, the first question they ask you is "why don't you just leave
him?".
Friends
and family who are not qualified psychologists and therapists are not equipped
to handle mental and psychological abuse.
It
took me a while to discover a few psychologists in Nigeria, but they don’t get
many clients because mental therapy is not an AFRICAN thing.
WRONG!
We
need it now more than ever before.
A
lot of women go through this every day and even when they come out of the
relationship, they don’t see the need to go to counseling or therapy that can
help them heal. So, they end up dating the same kind of man because that is
what their mental state recognizes.
They
fall for men who would control them again not because they are stupid but
because that is what their minds are familiar with.
That's
it. Many won't believe you because such men usually appear innocent &
harmless from a distance.
Speaking
from experience the law is not enforced on the abusers.
We
need to educate women and let them know that a man has NO right to hit them
just because he is their husband.
We
need to help the women educate their daughters as well.
We
need to reach out to the community leaders and make them see why they should
help put an end to this.
SAY
NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Lend your voices and support the organizations who
fight for the cause.
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