Emotionally Divorced. |
The ageing Nigerian
husband and father is facing a silent revolt – a gang-up against him by wives
and children who have chosen to remain abroad.
If you are observant
enough, you will notice him in markets – an ageing, cosmopolitan
gentleman haggling with the market woman pricing pepper,
fish, okro and vegetable oil. His age, generally 50 and
above. At other times, you see him in the high brow areas of major cities
doing his shopping at the mall. If he is no longer in paid employment, he
spends much of his time at the Club house. There is a club patronised by
such elderly live-alone men in old Bodija in Ibadan. He lives a
relatively quiet life at home – no chattering or running around of
children. Except, perhaps, for the occasional female visitor, that is for
those still with libido, the house environment has an unnerving serenity.
The above scenario
typifies the changing times for the family set-up, especially for fathers in
middle and upper class families in Nigeria. The ageing Nigerian husband and father
is facing a silent revolt – a gang-up against him by wives and children who
have chosen to remain abroad. The irony of it all is that it is the
successful husbands and fathers who are mostly in this bind. Men took
different routes to this common destination of loneliness in their twilight
years. Many had travelled abroad, often to Europe, the US and Canada in
their youth in search of the golden fleece, got married either to fellow
Nigerians or ladies in their countries’ of residence, acquire higher education,
raise families and look forward to a life of bliss thereafter. While some
returned home immediately after their education, others stayed back to also get
their children educated before returning home. Some went abroad as
employees of government agencies or international organisations with their
families or raised families at their duty posts and either returned after their
tenure or stayed back. Some men returned while the wives stayed back –
different strokes. We have a large number of stay-back wives in Maryland, New
York and Atlanta, all in the US, among others. There is a third category of
those who went abroad under the US Visa lottery. In all, going abroad were
happy moments, then, and in some cases, all the children of many couples ended
up going abroad. Many fathers of such children are no longer smiling. Yet, the
rush to America and Europe continues.
With Nigeria’s
worsening economic problems, those who never came back stayed put while the
problems forced the children of many returnees back to the countries where many
are citizens. Meanwhile, the returnee parents are getting older as well as
those who never went abroad but had children there. The returnees and the
locals are now in the same boat. In their active, younger days, many parents
travelled abroad on vacations to see their children. Now retired or
approaching retirement age, many parents are either financially or physically
not able to make the journeys again, while some refused to visit to protest the
children’s non reciprocation.
Then, the music
changed, bringing about current woes of many men, in spite of some putting a
bright face to it. This time, wives started travelling abroad, ostensibly
to help take care of their grand children abroad. That was when husbands’
problems began. You would think there was a National Conference for Diaspora-bound
Grandmothers at which a road map was distributed. This is because experiences
of many marooned husbands are similar: initially when the first grandchild is
born, the wife travels abroad and spends about three months. She returns
home, spends about nine months to a year and when the second grandchild is
born, she either spends six months or stays back permanently. For those who
come back after the second trip, the third is for a permanent stay.
Welcome to the
phenomenon of the husband ‘bachelor’. What I have found amazing about this
category of men living alone, following their wives’ relocation abroad, is that
many are not contemplating taking a second wife. Even those in their early 50s
who are still randy avoid serious relationships while those who contract
temporary marriages soon abandon the venture. I was to learn that the
decision against taking a second wife, for many, is generally financially
based, given the rising cost of education. “How do you expect me to start
training a child from kindergarten at this age”, noted a 60-year-old Ibadan resident
whose wife and children are in the US. He says he draws inspiration from more
elderly people who are in their 70s and in similar situation. He, however,
concedes that he feels the absence of his family most during festive seasons
when the loneliness hits him. Some not so solvent again take consolation
in the dollars and pound sterling from their Diasporan children.
Even then, not all are
so lucky. It’s a matter of different strokes. There are those who take in house
helps, often with unpleasant experiences. An oil company retiree with a
big house in upscale Lekki area of Lagos said house helps can be so
unappreciative of your assistance and can walk out on you anytime. He
narrated an episode where the driver threw the car key at him in the middle of
nowhere, knowing that he had not driven for a long time. A common concern among
elderly husbands living alone is the health hazard, the dread of falling ill in
the middle of the night with no one to assist. There was the story of a
man in the Alagbole area of Ogun State who had died three days before the door
was forced open when he did not attend a Tuesday church meeting. Many
‘single’ husbands say their wives are always persuading them to come over, that
the wives wonder why the husbands choose to stay in the hell hole called
Nigeria. Although a few claim they enjoy cooking, many of the live-alone
husbands say they don’t find it funny going to the market. Some husbands
follow their wives abroad. According to a FESTAC Town, Lagos resident,”
When the second invitation came for my wife to come to London, I told my son he
has to send tickets for two, that I can’t stay back again”.
After six months, they
returned home, but when the wife was to go for the third and extended stay, he
declined following. “I find it very boring”, he lamented. There are
some husbands who refused to allow their wives travel abroad to help take care
of their grandchildren. One such husband insists: Why should they take my
wife away, I raised them, they too must raise their own children.
The problem of
absentee wives and lonely husbands is part of an overall trend of separation in
the family. Economic factor, especially employment, has also contributed
to the dispersal of the family, even at local level where, for example, a
husband works in Lagos and the wife in Abuja, with dire consequences for
family cohesion. Prof. Adelani Ogunrinde, a former Vice-Chancellor,
National University of Lesotho, while delivering the Second Commencement
Lecture of Bowen University, Iwo on October 16, 2008, highlighted, almost in
lamentation, this phenomenon of the dispersed family using his family as an
example: He lives in Lesotho, the wife in Abuja and the children in North
America. He died about two years later, with the family still dispersed.
Dr. Olawunmi is a
lecturer, Department of Mass Communication, Bowen University, Iwo.
0 Comments
DISCLAIMER
The views and opinions expressed on this platform as comments were freely made by each person under his or her own volition or responsibility and were neither suggested nor dictated by the owners of Precious Eze's Blog or any of their contracted staff. So we take no liability whatsoever for such comments.
Please take note!